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Everything Old is New Again...Except When It Isn't

Life is a constant dance of accumulating and letting go. ACCUMULATE!!! ACCUMULATE!...let go. ACCUMULATE!...LET GO! Accumulate...LET GO! LET GO...

Sometimes we move by one set of steps, making grand sweeping gestures as we go. Another time we take the opposite path and close in much tighter and with greater focus and precision. It's a weaving in and out as we create our life's tapestry.

It isn't a dance you'd recognize, but it most definitely is a dance. And we've each been doing it since the start of our times, creating as we go. Part of that creating was set down for us long before we arrived, by parents who had their own patterns of accumulating and letting go.

We grew up with examples laid down before us to accept, to change or to turn our backs to. I did a great deal of the latter in my college days. How about you?

What I didn't realize, though, was just how much accepting I had done - both consciously and unconsciously - before leaving the nest. You probably did the same.

*The Parent Connection*

I grew up in the '50s and '60s, in a family whose rules and mannerisms were absorbed rather than laid down. I knew what was expected of me and what would happen if my behavior disappointed. Nothing had to be said for the rules to stick.

Now I have to say that my parents were wonderful, gentle people who would probably be appalled at the thought of passing on anything that was less than supportive to me or to my brother. In all likelihood, they were no more conscious of the fact they were carrying around and spreading limiting ideas or values than was I way back then...but trust me . . . we were!

And much of what was contained in these "rules" passed quite simply for what my parents considered to be "politeness," "generosity," or "common courtesy." These were the insipid ones. though.

*A Quick Example*

Let me explain with a quick example: Last week I paid for 30 minutes of one-to-one time with a fairly well known internet marketing "guru." During this call she proceeded to tear apart my website - and me by association (or so I internalized). I didn't see it coming because that wasn't the purpose of our call. Within the first 10 minutes, however, I felt as if I'd been drawn, quartered and hung out for the circling buzzards to feast upon. All in all, it was a learning experience.

What didn't strike me until I'd had a chance to step back from it all was something quite amazing. Every time she landed another blow, I thanked her! I actually thanked her over and over and over again for every negative she handed to me!

I was astounded at this revelation! Yet, I shouldn't have been. Years ago, I had learned well the family rules and they continued to hold sway in my responses. With as much as I know about letting go, the rules of my childhood still governed my actions. My mother would be so proud - or would she?

No matter how good we get at letting go of our parents' influences - the ones that don't serve us well - some are very difficult to shake. I grew up in a polite time, in a polite household, where making waves was not looked upon positively. (I know. I HAVE made a lot of waves in my time, and hopefully always will!)

*Accumulating and Letting Go*

We accumulate and we let go. Things. Beliefs. Values. We accumulate and we let go. Our upbringing. Our life experiences. Where we are in our lives and where and how we connect with the history of our parents. We accumulate and we let go.

Sometimes it's easy and sometimes it seems nearly impossible to let go of those parts of us - of our aging parents - that no longer nurture the person we've become...or want to become.

I've made a commitment to ending the accumulation... and I'm sure the US government will learn to deal with my blow to the national economy!

It's the letting go that challenges and inspires my life at present. So much of what my parents gave me transcends the letting go - because it's of them at the core. Other parts, though...well, to my mind, it's long past time!

So, right here and now, I'm going to commit to letting go of the following:

- Unnecessary politeness in the face of ugliness. That's not to say I won't continue to be courteous. I'll just be more selective.

- Anything that in any way calls for me to sacrifice my belief in myself.

- Internalized restrictions on making waves. Making waves shows that there's movement underfoot. All hail wave-making!

- My interpretation of negatives. Rather than accepting them as true and internalizing their effects, I will reframe the negatives and take back their power over me.

- Negative ideas, thoughts and comments. In all cases, I'll look for what's immediately useful and let go of the rest. (I recognize that this isn't easy, because I tend to hold on to and chew on the negatives till they're total mush in my mouth. From now on, though, I'm going to do my best to spit them out and walk away.)

These may, at first blush, seem to be small steps. Don't believe it! AND, they're just the start. I invite you to create some of your own. Letting go is much more fun as a group activity.

There are things we want to - and should - hold on to, and things that should have been let go of long ago. The great part of growing older is that we've lived long enough to know the difference - and to act on the realization.

Our parents did their part. I doubt they truly meant to pass on some of the things we ended up accumulating - or for some for the things we accumulated to cause difficulty in our lives. We don't need their permission to let go of these things. Actually, I have a feeling they'd probably be our biggest cheerleaders as we let go!

So, go ahead. Let go of the less-than-useful ideas, beliefs and values that were passed down to you and that have a hold on you. Let them go and see how many more positive ideas, beliefs and values you start accumulating in their place - those that are truly worth holding on to.

Everything old is indeed new again...and not at all the same.

Article Source: http://www.newagelivingarticles.com

An expert on "letting go in aging," Gail McConnon helps midlife adults clear out the emotional baggage that interferes in their relationships with their aging parents. Gail is a professional aging coach & mentor & holds BA, MPH, and MS degrees. Gail also was the adult child of & primary caregiver to her mother for the last six years of her mother's life. Visit www.celebrateagingparents.com for info, resources, free reports & Gail's blog.

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